You may find it helpful to talk about your experiences with others. It is often safest to treat every threat as credible. You do not need to prove a gaslighter’s threats of violence are sincere before calling the police. But if you feel you are in danger, you can always leave the situation. Gaslighting often makes targets doubt their own intuition. But you do not have to accept conclusions based on a faulty premise. The other person may use gaslighting techniques to declare they won an argument. You may spend all your energy debating what is real instead of making your point. If the other person is fabricating facts, you are unlikely to have a productive discussion. Nor does it define who you are as a person. Yet their opinion does not define reality. The gaslighter may never see your side of the story. Just because the other person sounds sure of themself doesn’t mean they are right. But they will not fix their heart by breaking yours. People who gaslight others are often trying to fill a void in themselves. Even if you dedicate your whole life to making them happy, you will never completely fill the other person’s desire for control.
This technique can condition a person into believing their emotions are invalid or excessive. Trivializing: Asserting that a person is overreacting to hurtful behavior.Example: “Have you been talking to your sister again? She’s always putting stupid ideas in your head.”.An abuser may twist a conversation into an argument about the person’s credibility. Blocking/Diversion: Changing the subject to divert the target’s attention from a topic.Example: “What are you talking about? I never promised you that.”.An abuser may deny making promises to avoid responsibility. Forgetting/Denial: Pretending to forget events that have happened to further discredit the victim’s memory.Example: “I heard you say it! You never remember our conversations right.”.They may also invent details of the event that did not occur. An abuser may deny the events occurred in the way the target (accurately) remembers. Countering: Questioning the target’s memory.Example: “I don’t have time to listen to this nonsense.Withholding: Refusing to listen to any concerns or pretending not to understand them.Other times, the abuse is entirely verbal and emotional. Sometimes it can involve manipulating a person’s environment behind their back. Gaslighting can also occur in platonic contexts such as a workplace. Yet people of any gender can gaslight others or be gaslit themselves. Popular culture often depicts gaslighting as a man abusing his wife. They may rely on their abuser to tell them if their memory is correct of if their emotions are “reasonable.” The abuser uses this trust to gain control over their target. Over time, the person may second-guess their own emotions and memories. But because each gaslighting incident is so minor, they can’t pinpoint any specific cause for their unease. They may intuit something is wrong in the relationship or marriage.
The next time, the abuser may use that past “victory” to discredit the person further, perhaps by questioning the person’s memory. The person may admit they were wrong on a detail, then move on. For example, if a person is telling a story, the abuser may challenge a small detail. Gaslighting is an abusive tactic aimed to make a person doubt their own thoughts and feelings.
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